NFL FREE AGENCY IS STILL GOING NUTS UPDATE
– The big signing of yesterday was Chad Ochocinco to the Patriots. “I like Chad,” Bill Belichick said before last year’s season opener between the teams. “An odd couple, but in the end I think we have a lot of things in common.” Can two eccentric men share the field without driving each other crazy? Duh duh dun dun duh duhhhh.
– Kevin Kolb will helm the Cardinals, after being traded by the Eagles for CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a second round pick in 2012. Luckily for Kolb, there are no Mike Vicks on that roster, so he can finally sleep easy at night.
– In other Eagles news, resident prima donna DeSean Jackson failed to report to camp yesterday, “signaling the start of a holdout.” Unless he was abducted by aliens!
– The Titans cut Vince Young yesterday. I give it … 12 more hours before the Raiders come calling.
– SF stalwart Joe Nedney is set to retire today. He’ll be replaced by David Akers. Who will probably retire next year.
– When the Niners signed Jeremiah Masoli, I thought it was a bad idea. Now that we’ve learned he’s been converted to running back, I’m sure it’s a bad idea.
WATER COOLER FODDER
– The Raiders have a new cheerleader. She’s 37 and a grandmother. I don’t even know what is most disturbing about this story: that she has a grandchild at 37 years of age or that she looks like she’s at least 48.
– Vikings punter Chris Kluwe has been delightful on Twitter lately, calling respected players douchebags and generally not giving a shit. Now, he’s issued an ultimatum to soon-to-be teammate Donovan McNabb. If McNabb wants the No. 5 jersey (currently in Kluwe’s possession), he must mention the name of Kluwe’s punk rock band fives times this season. “Our offensive was absolutely driving today, just like the bass in Tripping Icarus.”
– If you read real news, you know that many European banks are in the absolute crapper. Spain is one of them. Now, in desperate need of capital, Bankia is seeking to again become solvent by … using Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka as collateral. They could charge admission to let millions of screaming girls view Ronaldo in a bank vault!